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So many unfinished drafts, unpublished completed drafts that no longer hold relevance, or are beyond my current interests, drafts that have been half-developed, or just some random words and thoughts thrown in. That’s the status of this blog. I am sure a few of you will feel the same about your own blogs and your own writings.

Every now and then, I visit this, just to look at the relics in time I have left. It feels good, it feels nostalgic, it feels so tedious sometimes even. I question if I had lot more free time in my hand than now, but I can’t honestly bring myself to agree to this. I still have my personal time, or time that I can spend on myself that isn’t being demanded by either my work or my family. However, my interests seem to be as different and varied as they were then. My interest in writing remains the same. So, then what’s different now than it was before that I am not devoting enough time to write or publish.

One of the reasons I feel I have become so reluctant to write anything is that I have become a bit jaded with the world I live in. I am enjoying my moments, but not the picture. It’s like that movie which has some brilliant moments, builds up pace to an exciting action, but I am moving here in slow motion.

This time around, I will publish, even if it is just garbage. I need to get things moving. I don’t want this hiatus in writing to be a permanent fixture.

Before you get back to me angry after reading this, just remember all guarantees come with a fine print of disclaimers. Now that I have successfully started by shirking my responsibilities, I can say whatever I want to! Phew, that’s a relief!!!! Now let me come straight to the point (now don’t say you never stopped me from, but I’m the writer, so… beat it!)

In almost every suspenseful movie, or at least those which pretend to be so, whenever there are accidental discoveries I always wonder how that piece of paper or bit of information or thing found it’s way into the hands of the only person who HAD to read it!? It includes few genuinely mysterious, and few that cross the boundaries of realism. I can give ready examples of Telugu cinemas, like NTR finding the job for a couple in the classic “Missamma” or the more ludicrous example of a piece of message in bottle circumnavigating the southern tip of India to travel from Kerala to Vizag beach in the not-such-a-great movie, (whose name I cannot recollect right now) starring Nagarjuna, a couple of years ago. In Hindi I recollect the marvelously made Byomkesh Bhakshi as an example for the first and for the second, the horrendously bad movie “Ajnabee” where the despondent hero laments that nothing happens by ittefaaq, i.e., by happenstance, only to immediately chance across something that helps him unravel the entire case.

But the one thing these did do was pique my interest in searching for such. I especially revel in reading scraps of newspaper. The ones you find on the road, the piece of paper in which the thelawala wraps your snacks in, those spread on vegetable shelves. Although I admit I did not find any ground breaking news, let alone either a job or the key to some unsolved mystery, it did contain pieces of interesting information, at least to catch my attention and entertain me for few minutes.

Still I keep searching, in the hope one day I will catch my epiphany.

page1
Standing at the crossroads of life
I see so many paths winding into the horizon
But none marked where they lead to
Any could lead anywhere
I stand worried, bogged down by responsibilities
With others’ expectations of me
The worried creases on their foreheads
The stifled cries of those clinging onto me
All acting as counterweights to my heart’s desires
Weighing me down and tying my hands
My head aches and heart screams
page2
On the side of the road I see a mirror and an empty cup
And as I walk up to the mirror and stand in front of it
A wave passes through me
I stare at the reflection and wonder
As my life parades behind me
With all the people in it adding bits and pieces into the cup
I watch my parents, my siblings, my friends
And how their dashes of vibrant colors
Changed the hues in the cup
I see the dull shades of life
And recognize the bitter taste
I see my love’s drop of soul in it
And remember how the flavor of my life changed
page3
I look behind and no one’s there, the image a mirage has vanished
Leaving me with just the cup in my hand, now filled.
Looking ahead at the paths
With the cup of my life in my hands
I wonder if this was the recipe I was looking for my life
If I couldn’t boil off the blues
And keep the essence for myself
I shrug off the feeling
Drink the cup
And head into the horizon
Wait, I feel something in me
I think it’s the warmth of his soul
My heart and my step are steadier now.

Is life a series of unending questions?
Or our eternal pursuit for their answers?
Right or Wrong?
Good or Bad?
Me our You?
Me or Us?
Mind or Heart?

Do we have to keep asking ourselves
These questions
At every stage
At every step
Every second
That we choose to act or stay idle
To eat or to sleep
To walk or to run

Is our life a sum of
Strange pursuits
Food, clothes, shelter
Or the most strangest
And hardest of all
Satiating the mind
And the heart

Is it why we end up
Seeking pleasures in small things
Like the feel of cool breeze
Or cold water on face
The smell of a beautiful flower
Or the taste of a sweet mango
The hug of a friend

Why can’t life be just a comedy
If not that
At least like a calm walk in the meadows
Where all we need to think about
Is what beautiful flowers
Will I find on the next turn?
Instead it always feels
Like the burden of Atlas
If only I could shrug.

The other day my sister and I were discussing movies when I told her I hadn’t watched a particular one which was quite a hit. She asked me why I hadn’t and I got to thinking what was the criterion I set for myself to go to a movie. I really couldn’t determine why I, given a choice would go to a movie. The first impression is always the trailer. Next is the cast. I wasn’t too good at remembering directors but of late I’m trying to. For Hindi movies it usually also includes the music. But I think the major factor is the ‘X’ factor. I cannot put my finger and say what exactly it is but there is a certain quirkiness that is requried to make the film appealing.

I watch lots and lots of movies. Majority of them are not so great and I see them just to spend time. But there are few which really struck a chord and it was a treat to watch them. Of course not all of them lived up to their expectations, but few did and how! I now present a list of movies which I think are absolutely a treat to watch. And they are not presented here as a graded list, it would be criminal to compare any two of them.

1. The Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind – The absolute trickery of mind is marvellous to watch.

2. The Dark Knight – for the Joker, nothing more, nothing less.

3. The Godfather – what a story, what a picture, and what a music!!!

4. Titanic – my first English movie in a theater (?) Great settings and gripping filmmaking

5. The Thin Red Line – an absolutely marvelous war movie; again outstanding music

6. Lord of Rings – return of the king – for creating that city of white marble, for the presentation of Anduril and for Aaragon (well I now checked and the guy is called ‘Aragorn’!) the ghost’s army and the music…

7. The Garden State – for both the story and my favorite actors, Zach Braff and Natalie Portman.

In Hindi:

1. Rang De Basanti – best to pump yourself with something more than patriotism

2. Dil Chahta Hai – oh, what a movie for friends….

3. Sholay – the one and only

4. Iqbal – Shreyas’ debut was real good

5. Dev D – the latest on the list, and that fellow is doing some damn good work in off beat films…. a wrong flower in the clan of Deols…

The list will keep getting updated…

Wishing New Year

Wishing New Year

The old road has wound to a close,
And a new one’s beckoning afore
When you look back
You see its been long,
You strode with friends
And made new ones
Blossoms, leaves, thorns
Memories all strewn along
But this is the end
Now its time to pack them all,
For the road is new
Journey’s afresh
Seek new treasures,
Scale new peaks
Walk a merrier
For all our wishes are with you!
Wish you a very Happy and Joyous New Year 2009!!!

1/4 life

Well that’s a catchy phrase, “quarter-life-crisis”! I had so many time heard the more familiar “mid-life-crisis” term and sometimes wondered what it would be like! I was grappling with thin air for the last couple of months to understand what was wrong with me when I chanced upon this term today and now I totally understand! So what is ‘quarter-life-crisis’ and how does it feel like, take my example!

Here I am, a guy who has completed his 25 years on planet Earth but does not have an iota of knowledge of where he is and where he is going to! I have a job, and a good job at that too! I have got great parents, very great buddy in my bro & sis-in-law and am now a proud uncle to a beautiful girl; and I think I have a great set of roommates and friends! I am working away from home, being “independent!”, and don’t even have to bother about cooking my food. I have grandiose career plans and am working hard(ly?) towards them.

So whats wrong with the pretty picture? Thats it! It’s pretty! It’s goddamned too pretty! (And of course the fact that to make my grandiose plans true I need hard targets but mine are as of now only modest.) No direction. Drift-wood. You know its like being on a boat which until now was being towed by other boats and all of a sudden I have taken all tows into my hand and voila, the river has just dipped! For a fellow who spends lot of time counselling others and, at least making an honest attempt to solve others’ problems, I can’t iron out the wrinkles on my own life!

Well I found out what it feels like to be in some type of life-crisis and hope I don’t meet the next one, though I feverently hope that I dont’ wake up one day and realise the next one’s in before the old one’s out. As they say identifying the problem is the first step in solving any problem I wish it was the only one (or it seems like a very big step, ‘coz I’ve been on this step for quite some time.) Now all I need to do is find the solution. I will when I find out where its hiding.

Me and my pairs of socks

There was one bit of me that I wanted to tell everyone. Ok, don’t ask me why I want to do that, its just an urge. You too might’ve read somewhere that if you look at yourself from a third-man’s perspective you will find a lot about yourself. I don’t know how much it helps but I do that and I found out that I didn’t really like the person.

Take the case of twenty odd pairs of socks! TWENTY PAIRS! My dad reads this he will blow the lid off. He used to be under the impression that I was spending a lot of my money on my calls, but truth be told it is to satiate those feet that there is such a big hole in my pocket (old expression right, but couldn’t find a new one). And I just can’t pull myself to wash them! It kills me nearly each time that I try to wash them, so they end up in packed plastic bags for days together (sorry mum, I lied to you. Those pairs that you wouldn’t even touch with tweezers are couple of couple of months old, not few weeks). I juuust can’t do it! It gets to me! As if some bad omen might befallen me and curse me, which of course would happen if I wear them to office. Comeon, snuff and cologne isn’t gonna fool everyone, and especially women!

So the solution is buy a new pair each week! Thats how I surprise and amaze myself and others by trying to buy a new pair of socks everytime I visit a store, so that I can live off them for a week and I can ward off washing them for one more week. Ok I know now that the question has popped in your mind that how come I have only twenty pairs then, but of course I was lying! Don’t I have the right to defend myself, with a bit of truth! So I end by saying ‘Salute’ to my brave roommates and office-mates for their continuous support and not kicking me out.

x-x-x-x-x

P.S.: The utter urge to debase onself in front of the entire world is also one indicator of quarter-life-crisis, so please be careful. In case you have any of the above symptoms please consult a doctor immediately. I am always free!