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Life Updates

So many unfinished drafts, unpublished completed drafts that no longer hold relevance, or are beyond my current interests, drafts that have been half-developed, or just some random words and thoughts thrown in. That’s the status of this blog. I am sure a few of you will feel the same about your own blogs and your own writings.

Every now and then, I visit this, just to look at the relics in time I have left. It feels good, it feels nostalgic, it feels so tedious sometimes even. I question if I had lot more free time in my hand than now, but I can’t honestly bring myself to agree to this. I still have my personal time, or time that I can spend on myself that isn’t being demanded by either my work or my family. However, my interests seem to be as different and varied as they were then. My interest in writing remains the same. So, then what’s different now than it was before that I am not devoting enough time to write or publish.

One of the reasons I feel I have become so reluctant to write anything is that I have become a bit jaded with the world I live in. I am enjoying my moments, but not the picture. It’s like that movie which has some brilliant moments, builds up pace to an exciting action, but I am moving here in slow motion.

This time around, I will publish, even if it is just garbage. I need to get things moving. I don’t want this hiatus in writing to be a permanent fixture.

You are all unfit to be called human beings. You are all raving maniacal blood thirsty yet cowardly aliens masquerading as people infesting earth. How you walk, eat, talk, sleep, drink, touch your near and dear ones, lead a normal life, knowing very well you had hit someone on the road and not stopped, without even calling for help, back to your seemingly normal life is beyond imagination!!!!

Doesn’t each breath you take curse you, lash out at you that you hit and left someone without helping them? Doesn’t each morsel of food you take scream at the pain of feeding a body void of any soul, and feel ashamed for keeping you alive? Doesn’t your image in the mirror spit on you, puke at the mere sight of the face and body that had no sense of any quality attributable to any living organism that can think for itself? Did you ever look at dogs on roads lick the wounds of fellow creatures, even though they themselves were never responsible for them? Don’t your hands crawl to strangle the neck that bears the mind that thought of nothing before speeding on? Didn’t the scene of hitting them haunt your dreams, replaying a million times? Doesn’t the memory of those moments flash before you every second of your waking moments, to slap them hard in front of your eyes everywhere you go? Don’t your lips refuse to mouth words of obvious deceit and lies you must have told to cover up the dent? Or are the people you confessed equally callous, patting you proudly for not being caught responsible for the misdeed?

What did you do after going home that day? Wash off your body with acid imagining the running stream would cleanse you of the stink of your own actions? Did you scrub yourself hard with coarse sand to rip off all the pores on your skin and let the guilt bleed through? Or did you try to deceive yourself with the thoughts of the person you hit get up, shrug off, smile and get on with their journey? Did you have the guts to look at the next day’s newspaper?

What surprises me is why couldn’t they have called an ambulance? Understandably they were afraid and panicked at what happened. Unless there was real reason to deliberately hit someone, accidents happen, well accidently! I once read somewhere that we all have the courage to face consequences of our actions. They didn’t have. All they had to do in the least was call an ambulance. It’s truly appalling why they could not have done that and made the least attempt to partially rectify the consequences of their actions, which could save the life their reckless behavior almost endangered.

I surpassed myself yesterday. But before that, yesterday did start off interestingly.

I am currently traveling (should say running around) in Tamil Nadu and day before yesterday I covered about 250 km in a single day. The state has a great potential for wind energy and has aptly made great use of it. There is such a variety of technology providers and capacities available and such great incentives from the Government, the local Government joining in increasing the price paid to the generators, things are looking good for Wind power in India. There are two different pockets in Tamil Nadu where they get good winds, one in Tirunelveli in the near southern tip of the state and country, and another near Coimbatore, which is somewhere near the middle of the state, an overnight journey. And when I say ‘nearby’, I mean a little circle of about 100 km radius. Add the great success of CDM and the number of WTGs installed in TN itself runs into near to 2000, with an additional 250 being installed yearly.

I had to cover few in the south and then move the same day to the other pocket, where I reached at about 4 in the morning, not a very comfortable time to wake up after not so comfortable travel in a bus. I and my friend were booked in this hotel, a small distance away from the bus stand and we hired an auto-rickshaw to take us there. We reached the place soon and I got down with my baggage and got busy trying to wake up the guard and let us in while my friend was reaching into his pockets to pay the driver.

It was just one of those days! The rickshaw had stopped on a drain which had thin pipes running over it, instead of the usual slabs. Out takes my friend bucks from his pockets. And along with them something else accompanies their friends and down it slips, right into the gap between the pipes and into the drain. I turn around and see him peering over and to our utter surprise that ‘thing’ turns out to be the biggest cousin running around the pockets, a crisp, raspy 500 rupee note. I join him and to his even bigger agony it turns out it wasn’t just the cousin but he had taken his twin too.

And then both of us jolted up entirely.

There in the middle of the dirt and slime and blackish brownish, albeit (thankfully) stagnant semi-liquid, lay two pieces of Gandhiji. We did eventually succeed in taking them out by forking them between two pieces of sticks, but we did offer a spectacle to early walkers who I am sure should have found it very amusing watching two people dancing around funnily with sticks in their hands early in the morning around a drain and flashing lights.

And so began my day.

I have lost my mobile! 😦 😦 And I’m crying for it… I have bitter-sweet memories of it. It was just like a bad pet; it always did what it wanted to but still it was my pet. But it was absolutely a great mobile to take pictures with! Guess such great quality cannot be expected from other mobiles. Unfortunately I don’t have a picture of it, only pictures taken by it. Well yes it had a chronic problem of restarting, and hanging itself out of the blue but still it worked, it served first my father and then me faithfully for, only a short time, but it served.

But I think it had some ulterior disregard for me. Ever since it first came into my hands it misbehaved. You know it was more like my dad’s bike which still only listens to him and not to me. It tried hard to get away from me, once going as far as jumping from my hand in the middle of the road right in the midst of traffic. I succeeded in rescueing it and chastised it for doing something as absolutley ridiculous! It could have killed itself! Then of course there have been numerous occassions on which it again tried it to escape falling from my hands, from my bed and once even from my trosure pocket while i was driving!!!! At all times I was able to rescue it and get it back under control but this time I cannot. It’s gone from me forever.

My dear mobile,

Wherever you go, may you keep good health! I wouldn’t wish you to trouble your new owner (becuase I think you will). But there are secrets to my heart that you hold, which I am afraid will be taken from you, even with your best efforts to oppose them. I will take measures to keep them safe. And I will always keep you in my memory through the numerous photographs you have taken.

Take my tearful adieu!

Sid

Well, my dear friends, my life as it stands now, is actually squatting. It has become staid. I guess everyone gets to this stage but I have come here too soon. And I have been coming here too often these days. Work is good, I am doing good projects. But I am not satisfied. Work is challenging but not challenging enough intellectually. I am using all the faculties I have but not much of my brain. It is slowly becoming rote. Of course I am learning a lot of stuff, a lot of technical and non-technical stuff but it is not stimulating enough. You know it is like a cup of coffee without much caffeine, you will like it, but it will not invigorate you.

You wake up in the morning, go about your routine, go to office, do your ‘job’, eat your lunch, talk to your colleagues, chat with your friends, make phone calls, talk long distance, browse through loads and loads of bits and bytes, sift through information, have couple of cups of coffee, discuss projects with bosses, and how, it is evening. Again have a cup of coffee with friends, talk with your friends, walk through back to your ‘room’/’house’/’abode’, sit in front of the Idiot Box, and watch whatever crap comes on it, laugh with the funny and even not so funny jokers on it, sing along to your favourite or not so favourite songs, comment on the heroes and heroines, villains and how they act, watch the depressing news with ever increasing bile in your mouth, watch the bulls and bears fight it out, watch wacky cartoons with great animations, try to avoid the soap operas with repeated cuts to faces and cross angles, eat your dinner prepared by your cook, sit in front of the computer, play games, browse net, chat with friends and family, talk with your parents back home (of course you are living away from home), and if you happen to have a girl friend, find time to talk to her, (while doing all the above) and voila! IT’S NIGHT!!!! So get to the bed, spread a sheet over you, make sure it is covering all grounds and doze off into another wonderful night of sleep! Wow, what a day it was! Wasn’t it great!

Yes I have a life lot easier than many of us. I do not have to wake up at 4 or 5 in the morning to catch a bus/auto/train (or maybe all of them) and commute for couple of hours to my office where I have to anyway do all the above and the picture wouldn’t be much prettier. I must admit there are few things that are far better for me than others and I bet so many of us would give anything to have such a life where you are not bothered by the vagaries and demands of life, but let me tell you that this is not for which we were born as humans on this planet. If it was routine that mama earth wanted us to follow it would have made a machine, not a man/woman. There must be some ulterior purpose for our lives, a greater driving force than the pursuit of bread, clothes and shelter (the (in?)famous trio of roti, kapda aur makan); well honestly, since I’m getting this part quite easily I think I am not much bothered by it, but if I lose it I guess that will become my utmost priority; but what is the true motive force, the emf for my life, my little piece of sunshine? I have not found it yet but my search in this darkness continues.

The wrecker of all relationships. Husband-wife, parent-child, and even friends. The one feeling that can really break, disintegrate and incinerate any relationship.

 

But why do we doubt others? Because they have lied before on other things? Or because we think they cannot be trusted? Or that they have misbehaved? Why is there so much of mistrust in relationships? Because there is lack of communication? But then why is there a lack of communication? Because there wasn’t a good relation in the past? But isn’t that exactly why we should communicate? To make / mend relationships? This is all a vicious circle. But always there is a same end to this circle. Broken hearts, fragmented friendships and disintegrated relationships.

 

But the biggest capacity of doubt is that it feeds on itself. It is like any parasitic virus. Someone you ‘doubt’, whom you cannot trust, no matter who it is: your son, friend, spouse; even if they are telling you the truth you do not believe them. Though on the face of them you say ‘yes’, your mind says ‘no’! Always No.

 

Here is an interesting case. Someone doubts someone is upto something. Or worse, someone thinks that someone is plotting something with someone else. So though the first person tells you the truth you do not trust him! And it really makes no meaning who it is. Your son, your friend, your relative, your partner, your junior, your senior; it doesn’t matter.

 

I wonder if any psychologist has ever studied how this guy feels or what goes through in their mind all day. Has anyone ever wondered how this guy must be feeling not to be trusted? He wakes up in the morning and the first thing that comes into his mind, “Good morning dude! Your parents don’t trust you!” Or “Good morning dude! Your best friend thinks you are a cheat, that you back stabbed them!” And the day has just started.

 

And the rest of his life is ahead of him.

Everyone says love hurts… They are people who really don’t know that there is something far worse than love… it’s called friendship. It hurts, and man it’s hard. A broken heart is nothing compared to blasted friendships… People can get on with broken hearts and fizzled loves but broken friendships are hard to bear… you share your mind, heart and soul with friends…

You fight with lovers you can sit have a chat with your friends… but what if you fight with friends? And what about cases where all the root cause of it was just a simple misunderstanding and your friend stops talking! You have apologized but still they wouldn’t budge! What do they want of you!? Yes one can say, you’ve done your work, if they don’t listen to, just walk on… you can’t do much. But hey, do you really think that it is so easy!? Is that what friends are for!? Just walk on… Just don’t give a damn about them!??! Man it get’s on to your nerves… It hurts… And there is no damn thing you can do about it! And the worst part of it is if you see them everyday… can’t get away from them… The sadness swells and engulfs you but there is no one to give you a hand because the one who can help you is the one who is now hurting you more… And you really have to be the one sinking to know how it feels…